LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (78)

MARRIAGE SAGA: A HILARIOUS SHORT STORY.

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Anisha Sharma, 28, worked as a Manager for Silicon Valley International, an IT company in New Delhi. She stayed with her parents, Prakash, and Ambika Sharma in the posh Hauz Khas locality.

Her elder sister, Arati, had committed suicide after being repeatedly rejected by the prospective grooms who came to see her but preferred Anisha. Though Arati was plump and dusky, she was pretty, highly intelligent, and professionally more qualified than her suitors. Anisha adored her sister. Though Arati was older than her by three years, they were more like conjoined twins. Even in her suicide note, she didn’t blame Anisha at all which hurt Anisha even more. Anisha started hating men and vowed to remain single all her life. But in a typical patriarchal society, people will keep on hunting single women, force them to get married and start questioning them if they don’t produce an offspring within a year or two.

Anisha was over the moon because her company had successfully bagged an overseas project, and she was selected to represent the company to complete the negotiations in the USA. She couldn’t wait to convey this news to her parents. It was 5.30 PM and she received a text message ” Please come home. It’s urgent. Your presence is required.” She was alarmed and sought permission from her manager to go home early. The moment, she reached home, her mother decked in an expensive sari and costly necklace welcomed her with a hug. She looked baffled and asked, ” What the hell is going on? Are you planning to get married again? ” ” Not me, you silly girl. It’s you, “her mother said, ” Go and get ready. The prospective groom and his family are coming to see you. They are quite wealthy and own a successful business in the city. Have you heard of The Trilochan Group? They are into construction business. Your paternal aunt, Manju, was the one who forwarded your horoscope to them. If everything goes well, ‘we will be having a grand wedding.” Anisha lost her temper and yelled, ” Did I beg her that I needed a man to dictate me what to do Or not to do or that I am dying due to lack of a healthy sex life? If she and rest of our relatives are looking for free food, ask them to visit a temple or Gurudwara where langar (free food) is served.” Her parents were shocked at her outburst. Her father tried to pacify her, ” Please, my child. At least meet them. If you don’t like the boy, we won’t force you.” Anisha wanted to teach them a lesson they would never forget. She gave a conspiratorial grin and said, ” Ok.” Her parents were relieved. Her paternal aunt, Manju, arrived with the guests. Anisha looked resplendent in her purple saree with her hair neatly tied in a bun.

She offered everyone water, followed by tea and snacks. The suitor, Nitin, was enamored by her beauty and decided to start the conversation, ” So, Anisha is your name, right? ” Anisha smirked, ” Why, didn’t you read my job application submitted by my beloved aunt?” ” Job application? ” Nitin and his parents looked confused. Anisha chuckled and handed over an envelope. She said, ” Please read the cover letter and then tell me if I am selected or rejected. Don’t worry. I am not going to end my life if you reject me.” Nitin started reading :

To Whichever idiot it may concern

Sub : Application for the post of your wife cum domestic servant cum whore cum baby sitter.

Respected Gentleman,

I am not a zoo exhibit for you to come and ogle at free of cost. There’s an entrance fee of 500β‚Ή per head. The next thing is this is not a fashion show and you can’t compel me to do the traditional catwalk for the humiliating check to confirm whether the girl has any deformity. Would you throw me out if I lost a leg in an accident after marriage? I have certain terms and conditions before I accept your proposal.

My monthly salary would be 50% of your income if you force me to quit my job.

You too would be wiping the bums of the kids if they poop and change their diapers. It’s not my job alone. They are your kids too.

You won’t dictate me and if I find you raising your voice, I will have the entire family arrested for domestic violence.”

Nitin was sweating profusely as he looked at Anisha. He showed the letter to his parents. It was evident from their behavior that they were trying to save their face and gave a forceful smile. Anisha had concluded with :
” I know that you are having unfair business dealings. If you try to complain about my rude behavior, I will have Income Tax authorities raid your premises.” The guests and Aunt Manju left after promising to contact soon.

Anisha was elated as they left without looking back at her or her parents. Her parents glared at her but she simply shrugged and said, ” You should get used to it by now. Please don’t forget what Arati didi went through. I simply rejected the guy because I didn’t like him. A girl too has every right to reject her suitors.”

Prakash had mischief twinkling in his eyes as he beckoned his wife over and suggested a plan. The next day, after Anisha went to her office, they called their nephew, Mohan to upload Anisha’s profile pic and horoscope into a matrimonial site. Later that evening, Anisha started receiving text message from several unknown numbers. A man called Kishore called her and said, ” Hi, I saw your profile on Soulmate.com. I liked your profile and would like to meet you in person.”

Anisha replied, ” I am sorry brother, I never registered in any damn matrimonial website. Better luck finding another unfortunate girl.” Kishore was shocked over her venomous speech. He sent the link containing her profile and sought an explanation. Anisha was furious. Her parents plotted against her. She texted Kishore, apologizing for her rude remarks. He felt disappointed as Anisha had called him brother.

Anisha immediately checked the site and called her cousin Prashant to confront him. He owned up to have set her profile on the insistence of her parents. After getting the login info. She changed her profile pic to that of a gorilla and altered her Horoscope.

Her horoscope now read

Name : Kingi Kongi
Age : 105 years
Date of birth: Subtract 105 from 2023.
Place of birth : Africa.
Hobbies : Killing and eating men.
Special talents : Making even corpses disappear.
Preferred partner : Someone like King Kong.

She chuckled and logged out of the site. That was the last time any man spoke to her. Her account got blocked and deleted. Her parents never knew why.

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LOVE DEBACLE : A COMEDY SHORT STORY

Hi Friends,

Today I am sharing one of my older posts published in 2021. As I am not feeling well, I will be posting new and original contents by next Friday. Until then, I will be sharing my older posts or simply new poems with awesome videos on WhatsApp.

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Other than your pretty face, I see nothing in this world.

My dear sweetheart, you are a treat for my sore eyes.

You make my heart skip a beat.

Your graceful swaying of hips takes my breath away.

It reminds me of a golden doe gently trotting around the woods.

Your locks are as dark as the enchanting night or a black serpent.

I wish to swim in the deep ocean of your lovely eyes.

I want to hear your melodious voice.

I think I have just scaled the peak of the mountain of love.

Just hold my hands firmly and walk with me into the journey of life.

I assure you of all the happiness in this world.

Would you like to be my wife?

Rakesh Shrivastav, 46, had just finished writing this poem for a contest. His children, Amit, 15, and Suman, 14, were miffed with him. He had broken his promise of taking them to the amusement park. Rakesh tried to mollify them and said,” I already apologized for my mistake. Why don’t you give me a chance?” ” What’s your excuse this time?” asked Amit. His father replied, ” I am participating in an ongoing poetry competition. The first prize is $100 plus publication in a literary magazine. If I win, I promise to take you on a trip to Shimla.”

Suman and Amit said nothing. The children had lost their mother to blood cancer when they were in their third and second grade respectively. Rakesh had raised them with guidance from his parents-in-law. The poem was just an excuse to pour his heart out to his colleague, Rosie. He wanted to marry her but was afraid of discussing this sensitive issue with his children. The children cleared the dining table and said goodnight.

Rakesh had completed a hat-trick of going back on his promise. Suman and Amit wanted to teach him a lesson. They checked whether the coast was clear. Amit crept stealthily towards his father’s study and opened the diary. He removed the single sheet containing the poem and tucked it in his shirt pocket. Suman was waiting for him.

They dashed to his room and discussed how to ruin the poem. Both of them read it and neither of them was impressed with it. Amit asked his sister, ” Do you think that the judges would even consider this trash for consolation prize?” Suman chuckled,” It seems that Dad wrote this poem for his girl friend and planning to propose her. The competition is just a ruse.” They were actually horrified to think about stepmom.

Suman tore a page out of her long notebook and copied the poem. She rewrote it after inserting sarcastic remarks after each line, making it extremely funny. The poem now looked like this:

Other than your pretty face, I see nothing in this world.

Probably, I need to visit an optician to check my eye sight.

My dear sweetheart, you are a treat for my sore eyes.

Don’t believe me. I have used these lines plenty of times for so many women.

You make my heart skip a beat.

Especially, when I see you without make-up, you scare me to death.

Your graceful swaying of hips takes my breath away.

It’s nothing but the reaction to your stinking fart. I may die of Poisonous fumes.

It reminds me of a golden doe gently trotting around the woods.

I made a fool of you and it’s not even April. You walk like an overworked bull about to drop dead.

Your locks are as dark as the enchanting night or a black serpent.

You look like Medusa with serpents for hair.

I wish to swim in the deep ocean of your lovely eyes.

Unfortunately, your eyes are suffering from severe drought. I can’t find a single drop of water.

I want to hear your melodious voice.

Beggars Association has selected you as their representative on metro train. Begging bowl also provided and training given for horrible singing to compel people to part with their money.

I think I have just scaled the peak of the mountain of love.

I think I have reached the height of insanity after falling in love with an ape like you.

Just hold my hands firmly and walk with me into the journey of life.

Please leave me alone and let me enjoy my life.

I assure you of all the happiness in this world.

I assure you that both of us will be quite happy after dumping each other.

Would you like to be my wife?

Please don’t answer that question. I was drunk when I posed that idiotic question.

Suman and Amit proceeded to have a hearty laughter. It was Amit’s turn to mock his father’s poem. He wrote the poem once again and added silly questions and answers at the end of the poem.

Question 1: Who wrote this poem and why? Answer: An alcoholic idiot, who had lost his sanity after his lover rejected him, wrote this poem due to sheer madness.

Question 2: What is the main objective of writing this poem?

Answer: To add another silly poem to the English textbook and torture poor children to memorize it.

Question: What does the poet want to convey through this poem?

Answer: Flattery and a bunch of lies can get you anything you want, including dumb girlfriends who might look like Bellatrix Lestrange but you convince them that they are gorgeous like Hermione or Ginny Weasley. Be careful with what you want and never address any woman as ‘ aunty’ if you value your life.

Amit stapled both the pages, written by him and Suman. The latter hid her father’s original poem. Amit went back to the study and kept the pages inside the diary. The next day, Rakesh took the pages in a hurry without casting a glance at the contents and got them photocopied. He kept one copy in a white envelope and addressed it to Rosie while he mailed the other one to the contest.

After reaching his office, Rakesh gave the envelope to Rosie and waited for her response. She went purple in rage and thrashed him black and blue. His colleague laughed at him while his boss, Kishore, enjoyed every moment of his humiliation. Kishore also was in love with Rosie. They didn’t know that Rosie was two-timing them. Rakesh lost his self-respect and job as well. He came home with a black eye, swollen cheek, and walked with a limp.

His children were worried about his bruises. He told them a convincing lie that he had slipped on his way from the restroom and fell down. He didn’t want to burden them with his sorry state of affairs. After a couple of days, his friend and colleague, Prakash sent him a message that all the employees had lost their jobs after Kishore filed for bankruptcy. Rosie had siphoned off his personal and business account with the bank, leaving him penniless and fled away. Rakesh thanked God for saving him from a miserable fate. His children confessed to him about their pranks but he joined them in their laughter instead of scolding them. He suddenly realized his folly and prayed for his entry to be rejected.

He applied for freelance content writing job and earned a substantial salary. As promised, he spent some time with his children in the amusement park. He never had so much fun in his life. He vowed never to get involved with a woman again and write poems.

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ASTROLOGY OR FAKEOLOGY

A FUNNY SHORT STORY BY ME.

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Manoj Kumar was a typical egotistical male who believed in treating women like a doormat. He also believed in astrology so much that he would consult his family astrologer for pretty much everything. He was lazy to the core and would find reasons to procrastinate his share of work and responsibilities. His parents, Jayakant and Vimla, were responsible for spoiling him, as he was their only sin, oops, son.

Manoj was married to a sensible lady, Anusha, who tolerated his idiocy for over 15 years. Manoj was neither smart, nor as educated as his wife. Naturally, his larger than the head, ego prevented her from going for a job and he kept finding faults with her.

Manoj and Anusha had a daughter, Akriti, (13). Manoj was disappointed that he had a daughter but his family astrologer had told him that according to his astrological chart, he was destined to have a daughter only. Even if he tried for another child, the second one would be a daughter too. Hence, he had stopped sharing a bed with her.

When Covid-19 was at its peak, he ensured that they always wore masks, drank only hot water, followed social distancing and other norms. A friend had sent him a message on WhatsApp that germs also entered by way of mouth. Manoj said, ” My friend, Ashok, says that we should not open our mouth frequently because there’s a risk of germs, especially the CoronaVirus getting into our mouth. ” Anusha was fed up of listening to his idiotic thoughts. She retorted, ” Didn’t he tell you that the air we breathe is highly polluted? So, should we stop breathing by stuffing cotton balls in our nose?” Manoj turned red as Akriti couldn’t help giggling.

His parents were shocked at her instantaneous reply. Her mother-in-law, Vimla, said, ” Anu, you aren’t supposed to talk to your husband like that. He is your God. You should respect him. You must do whatever he says.” Jayakant also offered his opinion but Anu was in no mood to listen. She stopped serving food and walked away. Manoj said, ” My dear wife never raised her voice against me for the past 15 years. Perhaps, she’s possessed by the devil. Tomorrow I will call our family astrologer, Sharma ji to seek his opinion.” Anusha heard his remark and came back with a glass of water refilled for her father-in-law. She replied with a grin, ” You are right. Sharma ji isn’t an ordinary astrologer. He is an Ass- waiting to be trolled and kicked by his once eager clients whom he fleeced with his hair brained remedies.” This time Akriti burst out laughing while her grandparents and father glared at her. ” Enough of your cheeky response, Anu”, claimed Manoj, raising his hand to slap her. She hit back, “You believe everything that is shared on WhatsApp, right? My friend, Anita, sent me a message that men who raise their right hand on their wives, are getting cursed and some of them have lost their left hands. Do you know what it means? It means that you will be forced to eat and wipe away your shit with your right hand.” Manoj got scared.

He and his parents finished their dinner in silence which was quite unusual. Most of their dinner time conversation always involved making fun of Anusha and Akriti. Manoj considered himself a perfectionist. He thought that he was such a genius that no job in the world was perfect for him. So, he became a financial consultant at home and made a decent income. He was the boss of the house and the rules that he made were meant to be followed by everyone except himself.

One day, Anusha’s friend, Vaidehi, came to visit her from London. She bought her an expensive black colored sari. Manoj was quick to interfere, ” Vaidehi, you should never give anything in black as a gift to anyone. Black is inauspicious.” Anusha wanted to slap him. She never interfered in his private conversation with his male friends. How dare he enter her room without knocking and pass unwanted comments? She said, ” He is right, Vaidehi. I can’t accept anything in black. Do you have the contact number for the Luxury Hairstylist? I am planning to dye my hair purple or would shave it off completely. ls that alright with you? “

As per the old Hindu rituals, only a widow was supposed to have her head shaved to disfigure her beauty after the death of her husband. Vaidehi turned her gaze away, as she couldn’t hold back her laughter. Humiliated, Manoj left the room.

He wanted to teach her a lesson. When it was dinner time, he tried feigning illness by clutching his hand over his heart and said, ” I am having a chest pain. I think it’s a heart attack.” Anusha was alarmed but Akriti held her hand and said, ” Relax, mom! Dad’s faking it. How can he have a heart attack when he doesn’t have a heart? Also, he won’t get brain cancer because he doesn’t have a brain.” Manoj seethed in rage and yelled, ” You imbecile woman! You are brainwashing my daughter by feeding her with poisonous talks. You are teaching her to disrespect me.” Anusha responded, ” What about you calling me names and encouraging her to answer me back? It’s alright just because you are a man, right? ” Her parents in law seemed to be enjoying their heated exchange and shifted their vision according to the speaker.

Akriti realized the seriousness of her jokes. She said, ” Sorry, dad! Please forgive me. Don’t scold mom.” Her paternal grandma, Vimla intervened, ” Shame on you, Anu. You taught her how to talk but didn’t teach her the kitchen duties. She’s already 13 and in 5 years, she’s going to be married. We have already found her a match.” Anu snorted, ” You should be ashamed of yourself. You blame me for not teaching her to cook but you are prepared to coach her on how to smoke. Thank you for your match. It’s defective and already burned out.” Vimla gritted her teeth, ” ‘I am not talking about the match as in match box. I am talking about a match as in marriage.”

Anu replied, ” The context doesn’t matter because the purpose of both kinds of matches is to set our lives on fire.” Her mother in law was speechless. But Akriti said, ” Granny, calm down. I will make a nice cup of tea for all.” She went to kitchen and started a monologue, ” Welcome to Akriti’s kitchen. Today, I am going to teach you how to make tea. First, take some water in a kettle and let it boil like your grandfather who’s having constipation problem. Take a piece of ginger that looks like your grandma and crush it with a pestle. Let the water boil and add tea leaves. Add milk and sugar and sieve it. “

Vimla and Jayakant were furious. So was Manoj. They skipped dinner.

Vimla had concocted a plan. She and Jayakant bribed Astrologer Sharma to visit Manoj and convince him to give up his daughter for adoption. Only then his business prospects would improve. Sharma played his part so skilfully that Manoj immediately gave his consent to give up Akriti for adoption. Anusha argued with him at length but to no avail.

She saw the wicked grins on the faces of Sharma, Vimla, Jayakant and Manoj. She had to save her daughter. She went away without responding which they misunderstood to be her submission. She let them gloat but determined to teach all three a lesson. She called her brother and told him about their evil conspiracy. He said, ” Don’t you worry, sis. I, and my wife, Pooja, will fetch Akriti and let her stay with us for a week. ‘we would be wearing disguises.” He told her how to proceed.

Later, Anusha went to Sharma’s house and threatened to call Income Tax officials to raid his residence and office premises, if he didn’t call off the appointment of the couple to whom he had made arrangements for the adoption. He also promised to confess to misleading Manoj for 15 years as per his parents’ instructions.

The next day, everything went according to the plan. Anusha’s brother and sister-in-law took Akriti away. Meanwhile, Anusha had changed Manoj’s mobile caller tune. Instead of a movie song, the new caller tune was :
The idiot you have called has ceased to exist.
Consequently, he lost important contracts as no one called him, thinking him to be dead and incurred heavy business losses. He was furious. Instead of making more money as predicted by Sharma, he had suffered a lot. Sharma kept his promise and confessed to his crime of giving false information and that his own parents had paid him money so that they could control him. He lashed out at his parents and dropped them off at a retirement home, promising never to see their faces again.

He felt ashamed of his stupidity and was so heart broken that Anusha could not help but feel sorry for him. She also told him that Akriti was safe and with her maternal uncle and grandparents. She had to do this to save their only child. They apologized to each other and hugged. Manoj promised to treat her with respect and shower all his love and affection towards her and Akriti to which Anusha also gave her commitment to stay with him through thick and thin.

Their days of misery were finally over, and a new chapter marked the beginning of happiness in their lives.

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LAUGHTER TUESDAYS(39)

THE MISADVENTURES OF THE COMEDIENNE SISTERS : A COMEDY SHORT STORY BY Me.

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CHAPTER 12

Look before you post.

Finally, my wait for the weekend was over. Mom had started losing her temper over frivolous issues like the slow internet speed, missing her favorite show because of the unexpected arrival of the guests, and her best friend failing to accompany her to shopping. I decided to surprise her by getting up early on Saturday.

Mom placed her palm on my forehead to make sure I was not having fever. She said, ” Well, congratulations for taking that big step. It requires a great deal of courage to get out of the comfort of your bed and that too, on Saturday.” Rhea giggled and I glared at her. She was awfully cranky today. She went to prepare coffee for us. I saw her mobile on the coffee table. I picked it up to check what made my darling mom so angry. She had posted her pic wearing a new sari with the caption ‘ My husband gifted me this new sari worth 5,000β‚Ή yesterday on the occasion of our engagement anniversary.” Engagement anniversary! What the hell was going on? No one remembers their engagement date. This was a new height of spinning a sordid yarn.

Dad barely remembered his own birthday. I choked back my laughter when I read one of the responses. Someone called Usha had said, ” Oh my dear, Alka! Your husband is so innocent. He has been cheated. Yesterday, my maid servant wore the same designer sari and it’s hardly worth 250 to 300β‚Ή. Anyway, your husband is really very thoughtful.” I signaled Rhea to join me for a risky undertaking. Scrolling through mom’s mobile behind her back was like waking up a sleeping lion.

Rhea and I tried suppressing our giggles as I scrolled through some posts. Mom had clicked selfies and posted them with captions. She had a juicy red apple in her hand and posted ” Enjoying fresh hand picked Apple.” Mrs. Chatterjee aka Chatterbox was the first to respond, ” No way. There’s no apple orchard in our society. So, you couldn’t have handpicked it. Tell me frankly, how much did you buy at Jio Mart?” There was another comment from the same venom spewing Usha, ” Thank God! You mentioned it was an apple. I thought an orange became red in embarrassment.” Clearly, Mom had done something to infuriate her. I clicked on Usha’s Instagram profile and scrolled through her posts. She had posted a picture of herself with a half-bald man with a pot belly and mustache. Mom had liked the pic and commented, ” Very proud of you to click selfie with your father-in-law. He looks young for his age. Where’s your mother-in-law? “
Usha had replied with an angry emoji mentioning that it was her husband and not Father-in-law. Her Mother in law had passed away last year due to Covid. Mom replied, ” I am so sorry for the misunderstanding. But you look so young.” Usha grinned back until Mom had to ruin it with her thoughtless comment, ” If you don’t mind, I would like to know whether he was like that before or after the marriage.” Usha ended the conversation with ” Please mind your own business.” I and Rhea burst out laughing. Mom could be so tactless. We exited from Usha’s profile to check Mother’s other comments. She was so brutally honest that I was sometimes worried about her social media presence taking a negative turn.

There were people who took her suggestions sportively while others stopped responding to her comments in Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram and Twitter. No wonder, Mom felt upset over losing her followers and getting hurtful responses on her posts. It was time for us to teach her the basic manners and etiquettes, while interacting with people on the Social media. Mom came back carrying three cups of coffee. I barely managed to put it back on the table. Mom forced a smile, ” You must have gone through all of my posts, by now. Can you tell me how to get back my lost followers? “

” Mom, ” began Rhea, ” You aren’t supposed to make rude comments on anyone’s physical appearance or their surroundings. People get annoyed. Don’t assume anything without finding out the truth.” ” Try to read and like others’ posts, ” I added, ” It’s not necessary to post comments always. But be careful with your choice of words to avoid any controversy.”

The next day, Mom was busy with her smartphone. She made breakfast and later asked dad to order food online. All of us thought Mom was exerting herself to get back into everyone’s good books. Actually, she was focussing her attention on WhatsApp. She appreciated the quotes and images sent by her friends and forwarded the same to another set of friends and family members.

It was Monday and all of us went back to our respective work. It was lunch time, when we were summoned to the principal’s office. The principal, Ms. Angela David, looked at us with sympathy. She said, ” I am sorry, children. I don’t know how to tell you that your father, Mr. Deepak Patel, passed away at 10 AM due to heart attack. I will make arrangements for you to go home. Convey my condolences to your mother.” Rhea and I were speechless. This could not be true. Our dad was hale and hearty. There’s no way he could die just like that.

All the hell broke loose when we came back home after lunch. The door was opened by none other than Dad who was very much alive and furious. Mom was sobbing her heart out. He let us in and scolded mom, ” This idiot of a woman should not be allowed to use smartphone. She doesn’t know how to use the social media. She was simply forwarding messages from WhatsApp without checking the content. One of her friends, Meena’s husband passed away, and she sent her a message informing the same. That woman forgot to mention her husband’s name which turned out to be quite convenient. The great,Mrs. Alka Patel, forwarded this message to at least half the town. My boss, the greatest idiot, granted the whole office leave for a day to mourn my death when I am standing alive in front of him. I received plenty of phone calls asking me the date and time for my funeral. And now, the insurance company contacted your mother to offer the insurance money. I am the only person to collect my insurance money while I am still alive.” Rhea and I couldn’t help laughing. Then, dad joined the laughter and approached mom with a friendly warning to use the Social media only in our guidance.

Thank God! We managed to convince everyone that Dad was still alive and his boss asked for an apology. Mom learned a lesson. It’s better to read the content of the post before simply liking or sharing it with others.

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to visit my website. Hope you enjoyed reading my blogs. 😊😊

LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (33)

THE MISADVENTURES OF THE COMEDIENNE SISTERS .A FUNNY SHORT STORY By ME

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Chapter 11

Very funny response.

It was Saturday. I woke up leisurely at 9, only to find my elder sister, already up and cleaning our room. The traitor! Mom entered our room with a mug of water to pour it on my head. I got of the bed and rushed to the bathroom to avoid hearing a boring lecture on how great my sister was! I loved her but Rhea enjoyed watching me getting into trouble with Mom.

I planned a revenge on her. She used to chant prayers after having a shower. I took a piece of paper and wrote the following :
Om Facebookaya Vigmahe, Instagramaya Dimahi.
Tanno Google Prachodayat.
If you chant this mantra twice a day, your internet will gather maximum speed every day. I inserted it inside her prayer book and quickly hid behind the sofa. As usual, she came to offer her worship in front of the idols. She lit the lamp and burned the incense sticks and offered flowers. She opened the prayer book and straightaway started chanting the nonsense that I had written.

She said aloud, ” Om Facebookaya Vigmahe, Instagramaya Dimahi.
Tanno Google Prachodayat. ” Mom heard her and twisted her ear. She yelled out in pain while I giggled at her awkward situation. Mom shouted, ” Is this how you say your prayers? Lekha is better than you. She’s not pretending to be someone else. Tanno Google Prachodayat, indeed! How dare you think about social media when you are praying? ” ” But, ” tried Rhea to defend herself. Mom said, ” Go to your room and hand me your smartphone. You will only get it in the evening. “

Meanwhile, the doorbell rang. I rushed out to open the door. My favorite aunt ( mom’s younger sister) Sangeeta had arrived with her kids to spend the weekend. I welcomed them and called mom who was equally pleased to see them. Her kids were in class 7th and 8th respectively. I showed them around the house, leaving the two sisters to catch up on their past gossips.

Rhea was in a foul mood. She was about to yell when she noticed our cousins, Manish, and Preeti entering our room. Thank God for the angels. I quickly muttered an apology and pointed out that she herself got me into trouble plenty of times while I never retaliated. She gave me a sheepish grin and we started chatting with the kids. They were adorable kids and our favorite. We had tea with onion pakoras ( fritters). Sangeeta aunty took out a bundle of papers for correction. She was an English teacher at Bharatiya Vidya Mandir, near Borivali. She taught for the classes 6 to 10th.

She glanced at me and handed over a paper to read the answers written by a genius. She grinned and said, ” I have something amusing for you. Just go through the answers of this scholar. He will give you a run for your money.” The student’s name was Keshav Kumar and he had scored the biggest donut (0) out of 50 marks on the paper.

The questions and the answers were.

Q. 1 Change into past tense.

  1. Put – Putted
  2. Cut – cutted.
  3. Hit- Hat
  4. Write- writed.

Q. 2 Write the synonym of motion.
Answer. Motion means shit. It can be of two types. Hard motion and loose motion. Yesterday, I suffered from plenty of loose motion.

I burst out laughing. ” Maasi ( mom’s sister is called Maasi), I said, wiping out the tears in my eyes, ” This guy deserves a medal for his unlimited stupidity.” She chuckled and urged me to continue reading.

Q. 3 . Give an example of future tense.
Answer. When I score Zero in my exams, my parents predict my future tense.

He continued to give weird answers. I clutched my stomach after having a hearty laughter. There was a paragraph given for comprehension and he had to answer the questions given at the end of the passage.
For one of the questions, he had written, “Please refer to the passage. This is examination and not Dora the explorer cartoon.”

There was a question asked, ” What do you mean by the term judgemental? “
He had written, ” A judge who is mental is known as judgemental.” I could not take it anymore. I literally fell at her feet for dealing with the students from Einstein Academy. Later that evening, dad came home after a tiring day at the office. He greeted my aunt and her children. He was unusually silent at the dinner. I prompted him, ” What’s the matter, dad? You seem to be troubled today.”
Dad replied, ” I hate this auto correct option. My friend cum colleague, Ramakant, was sick and didn’t come to office today. I sent him a message, ” I hope you are well dear” but ended up typing ” I hope you are well dead.” All of us sniggered at his expense. Maasi said, ” Don’t worry, Jeeju ( brother-in-law). Invite him for a lunch tomorrow. I will help Didi ( elder sister) to prepare a special meal.” Dad smiled at her gratefully.

On the whole, I had a fantastic day with plenty of laughter provided by Rhea, Maasi and my dad. Manish approached me and said, ” I could hear you laughing a little while earlier. Did you go through Mom’s answer sheets? Preeti and I help her to check the total marks scored. For a change, it’s nice to see someone else making a silly mistake rather than me.” I grinned at him, ” You bet, bro. I have crossed the stage of giving funny replies. I still remember when I was in third or fourth grade, I had an arithmetic sum. Ram had two glasses of water before his breakfast and two glasses after his breakfast. Find out the result of the total glasses of water consumed. I had written:
He would be visiting the bathroom. “
Both of us had a hearty laugh. I asked him, ” By the way, did you know that even pure vegetarians consume non-veg? ” He was confused and asked, ” How is it possible? “

I winked at him and replied, ” By chewing on the brain of others with his non-stop chatter.”
We had a wonderful time and never wanted this magical moment to end.

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to visit my website. Hope you enjoyed reading my blogs. 😊😊

LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (31)

THE MISADVENTURES OF COMEDIENNE SISTERS

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Chapter 10

Rhea realizes her folly.

A for Asshole.
B for Bastard.
C for Cheapskate.
D for Duffer.
I was busy composing a list of swear words. I was planning to curse the entire electricity department for their inefficient power management. I saw Rhea smirking at me as she noticed my frustration. She read the text and burst out laughing. ” You are still a child, Lekha, ” she said, ” Grow up. Probably, there’s a shortage in the electricity supply.”

“That’s ridiculous, ” I replied, ” We are living in Mumbai and not in a village. I don’t understand how you are so cool. You were the one who taught me to swear. ” Rhea went back to reading a book which was the eighth wonder of the world.

I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Rhea never read anything other than school textbooks. I saw her blushing furiously and felt something fishy. I snatched the book from her hand and started reading.
I rolled my eyes while Rhea’s face reddened in embarrassment. The paragraph read:

He stared at her nude petite figure and smacked his lips like a hungry wolf waiting to devour a cute lamb. He dropped his clothes and before they knew, they were all over each other. He moved his tongue all over her body as she moaned in delight. They shared a hot passionate kiss with their tongues playing with each other in their mouths. After a sensational foreplay, she gave him a heavenly delight by taking his manhood in her mouth. He returned the service by kissing her intimate parts.

I stopped reading and wanted to vomit. I stared at her and said, ” Chee! Yuck! I never knew that the book was about the hot romance between dogs. I also never knew dogs wore clothes. ” Rhea quickly snatched the book and said, ” They are humans, you fool! ” I retorted, ” Then how come there is so much of licking and exchanging of saliva. Only dogs lick, right? They also sniff the butts of their female partners. Thank God! It’s not mentioned here. I can hardly imagine his fate if she farted while he tried to sniff her backside. Yew! Gross! How can she suck his cock? Can you imagine what would happen if he peed into her mouth?” Rhea resisted her urge to laugh and glared at me, ” Mind your own business. Don’t you dare mock this book. It’s quite cool and most of the girls read romantic novels. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I am just reading a book and not having a boyfriend.”

I glared at her and said, ” This isn’t you, Rhea. You are such a good girl. You have just turned 16 and don’t blame it on your hormones. Spit it out. Who asked you to read it? ” Rhea burst out crying, ” Most of the girls in my class read it. I felt left out and wanted to join them. They have challenged me to read an adult novel. They would let me join their gang if I succeed in their mission and discuss the novel.” I wanted to slap her but she was my elder sister. I said, ” It’s better to be alone than join the company of spoiled girls. It’s ok to read steamy romance novel but only if you are over 18 and on the verge of getting married. I am not against people describing the carnal actions in their books but it should not be so explicit. They know you are a good girl. If they ask you to smoke weed, would you do it?”

Rhea realized her folly. She said, ” You are right. I have been trying to alter my personality to please a bunch of brainless girls. Please don’t tell mom about this book. I will return it to the snob queen, Reema. I need to focus on my studies. I have also done a foolish thing. I shared my WhatsApp number with a few guys to prove that I can also have boyfriends. Reema and all the girls (7) have boyfriends. They think I am a loser and challenged me to have men seeking my friendship.”

My sister was in a big trouble and I had to save her from a potential disaster. Her mobile got a WhatsApp message notification from Rahul, her classmate. Rhea was nervous. She had taken a hasty decision in a moment of madness to prove her worth. She handed me the mobile to handle the conversation.

Rahul : Hi Sweetie!
I typed: Bye! How can I ignore you?
He : Don’t you mean, ‘ how can I help you’?
I : I am so sorry. Yes. I will help you. I kept on typing as he waited for a response. I remembered the contact number of a psychiatrist in our area.
I : You definitely need help. Not only you but please pass on this contact number of Dr. Sahil Sharma, a great psychiatrist to Reema and her gang to get your heads checked. I am sure he will recommend all of you to take treatment in the lunatic asylum in Agra to cure your perverted mind.”

He immediately blocked Rhea’s number and she appeared to be relieved. The next day, Reema and her friends teased Rhea for her cowardice but Rhea politely smiled and walked away, much to the consternation of Reema and Rahul. There few other boys who had a huge crush on Rhea and their hopes of sleeping with her dashed to the ground, as she tied Handmade Rakhis to all the boys, including Rahul. Her act left everyone speechless. Suddenly, their class teacher , Mrs. Thomas, arrived with a furious expression on her face. The previous day had been a holiday as a mark of respect following the demise of a senior teacher, Ms. Angela Parker. She had asked one of the students to present a written eulogy as a mark of respect from Class XI. Rhea wanted to write but our neighbor, Mrs. Chatterjee’s daughter, Divya, beat her to it. Mrs. Thomas yelled, ” Which idiot wrote, Ms. Angela was a great teacher. She always helped her students. She would always be immoral and may her sole rust in piece.” The entire class burst out laughing as Divya hung her head in shame. Mrs Thomas gave her an imposition as a punishment.

Rhea’s day ended on a much better note. We met each other in the school canteen and had a sisterly chat. Everything was fine now.

We should never give up our good qualities merely to be accepted into a popular group based on immoral values.

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to visit my website. Hope you enjoyed reading my blogs. 😊😊

PS: The story is from the point of view of a teenager who finds the steamy scene vulgar. Hence, such a reaction. Personally, I have no issues with steamy romantic novels.

LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (29)

THE COOKING DEBACLE: A FUNNY SHORT STORY BY ME.

Photo by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels.com

This is purely a fictional story because no one is this much stupid. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

Vedhika Aryan, a 19-year-old spoilt brat and the only daughter of Kanishk and Jaya Aryan, had no dearth of wealth. She had plenty of servants at her beck and call. So, the poor soul never knew how the kitchen looked like. She only concentrated on her makeup and shopping while her father paid an exorbitant sum only to make sure she got admission in the best college and gave her whatever she asked him. Unfortunately, she was a beauty without brain.

Once her cousin Samaira came to visit her for the holidays. She impressed Mr. and Mrs. Aryan with her exceptional cooking skills and showed them her business website and her YouTube channel having millions of subscribers. Vedhika’s parents wanted to inspire her to learn basic cooking skills and started citing Samaira’s example. Fed up with her parents’ badgering, Vedhika asked her Manservant, Binod, the way to the kitchen. He tried to suppress his giggle. Fancy, not knowing one’s own kitchen! He led her to the kitchen, wanting to watch her actions. Sara, the cook, was surprised to find her in the kitchen. She said, ” Ma’am! Did you need anything to eat? You could have sent for me. What can I do for you? “

Vedhika said, ” I want to learn how to cook. Let’s start from the basics. How do you boil water? ” Sara and Binod stifled their smiles with great difficulty. Sara picked up a small utensil and asked her to pour water in it. She said, ” Ma’am, you need to fill the vessel with water and keep it on the gas stove. As soon as you see the water boiling with bubbles, you can turn off the gas stove. ” Vedhika, the lazy idiot, opened the refrigerator took out a plastic water bottle and kept it on the vessel. She lit the gas stove. Sara burst out laughing, ” Oh no, this isn’t how its done, the plastic will melt due to the heat.” She removed the bottle and emptied the content in the vessel. Vedhika was a bit embarassed at her stupidity. But Sara took pity on her and encouraged her not to give up.

She returned to her room, thinking of starting her YouTube channel. She was scrolling through her mobile when she saw a writing contest offering a healthy reward of 25,000β‚Ή for a poem. She had never dabbled in poetry before. She immediately took out a pen and a paper and started scribbling :
No one can understand my pain!
My fat mom stepped on my toe again.
‘Go to the doctor’ screamed my brain.
I looked at my mom with disdain.

When I did Yoga, I tore my pants.
I changed into another pair, only to be bit by ants.
I leased my hair for the lice as tenants.
I have learned to tame my appetite giants.”

She finished writing and felt pleased with her work. She filled the online application form and typed her silly poem. She received the acknowledgement for her participation . The contest results would be declared the following month. Meanwhile, she kept practising boiling water. After a couple of days, she moved on to making tea. She referred to YouTube channel and was so immersed in watching the video that she left the kettle boiling until the water completely dried out and there was a burning smell. She grinned sheepishly at Sara, apologizing for ruining the kettle.

A couple of days later, she tried her luck with making rotis ( Indian flat bread). She watched YouTube to knead the dough using wheat flour. But the consistency wasn’t perfect. She had added two much water. She threw the liquid batter and tried again, adding water little by little. But her patience gave up. She suddenly had a brilliant idea. Since the dough was flaky, she poured half a bottle of Fevicol (glue) to make them sticky. She extricated her palms with great difficulty. She was unable to roll out the dough. She threw it away and again tried kneading the dough. Somehow, she succeeded this time and rolled out the dough into various shapes other than circle. The rotis were ready and she served it to her father who had great difficulty in tearing it and when he ate a piece, the roti tasted like the hide of a Buffalo. Both her parents wanted to appreciate her efforts but didn’t want to upset her. They diverted her attention by discussing her favorite topic, shopping while Binod quietly removed the stuff. Sara served the food while the family enjoyed a more satisfying meal.

A month passed and her parents begged her not to enter the kitchen. One day, she received an interesting email. The contest organizers had offered her 10,000β‚Ή as a special prize with a humble request to give up writing forever. But Vedhika is Vedhika. She won’t stop to get ahead of her cousin, Samaira.

Let’s see how she fares in her next undertaking.

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to visit my website. Hope you enjoyed reading my blogs. 😊😊

LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (25)

SOCIAL MEDIA FIASCO : A FUNNY SHORT STORY.

Hi friends,

I am presenting another Short story that I had published in my older blogs in WordPress. I had it published in August, 2021. I thought of sharing it again.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

“Will you turn off that damned thing?” I yelled at my daughter, Tanya, who was watching TV with headphones connected to her smartphone. She did an excellent job of ignoring me. I yanked off her headphones from her ears, causing her mobile to slip from her lap. ” Are you insane, mom?” she yelled at a high decibel, enough to tear my eardrums. “Don’t you raise your voice at me, young lady, ” I warned her, ” Next time, I will make sure to throw your mobile into the garbage bin. Why are you wasting the electricity? You are already fiddling with your mobile. Why do you need to watch TV? ” ” Mom, it’s called multitasking,” she said, ” I was listening to rock music while watching Netflix.”
I smirked, ” Could you tell me why it’s called rock music? “
“I don’t know. Would you care to enlighten me?”
” The music which compels the listeners to throw rocks at the lead singer or singers is called rock music. Their vocal cords sound like cats and dogs are fighting each other.”
” Very funny,” she retaliated, ” That was a poor joke. It is as outdated as you are. Now that you have already disturbed me, what do you want me to do?”
I asked her to buy groceries from the supermarket across the road. I handed her a list of items needed. She glanced at the paper and handed it back to me. She called the grocery store near our house and placed our order. My fifteen-year-old daughter was teaching me how to use my smartphone. She would often tease me about my lack of knowledge of using my smartphone. My husband, Sundar, made fun of my ignorance of the internet and social media usage.
I was never inclined to learn about Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, or Twitter. I rarely used them.
My daughter made desperate attempts to get me hooked to the social media frenzy. I couldn’t understand why people bothered to post updates on whatever they were doing at home.
One day she challenged me to post something on Facebook. She kept on asking me to post an update throughout the day. I had exhausted all my patience.
I posted my picture on Facebook and typed:
Hey, guys! I am so glad to have completely recovered from a severe case of constipation. After consuming gallons of water, and half a dozen bananas over the past couple of days, I managed to make my rear end fall in love with the toilet seat. What a huge relief!
I told Tanya that I successfully made my first post and asked her to check it out for me. She was so ecstatic that she tagged all her friends in the post without reading the content. The next day, her mobile kept ringing continuously. Her friends kept on asking her questions like whether I had a bloated stomach or how many times did I fart?
She glared at me for embarrassing her with the ridiculous post. She screamed, “How can you do this to me? My friends are making fun of me. I am going to bunk my online classes for two days.” I failed miserably to control my laughter. My mobile saved me from another verbal tirade. My husband said,” Tanya told me about your foray into social media. Congratulations, dear. I will check your Facebook post after some time. By the way, What’s for dinner tonight?”
I answered,” I am going to make paneer butter masala with chapati and pulao.” He ordered me to make pizza by referring to YouTube. I knew it was a bad idea. I decided to comply with his request. I bought all the necessary ingredients to make pizza. Initially, I followed all the instructions carefully. I was so mesmerized by the video that I forgot to cook for a while. A disaster struck after my nose inhaled the burned smell of pizza base. It was completely charred. I switched off the gas cylinder. My bad luck followed me when my husband returned home. “What’s that horrible stench?” he asked me, ” Did you forget to turn off the gas stove?”
I accepted my mistake and apologized to him. He smacked his forehead with his palm. I thought he was going to slap me. He burst out laughing and ordered pizza from Pizza Hut.
Tanya joined him in pulling my leg.
I decided to feed the burned pizza to any stray animal that I came across. A stray dog approached me as I placed my wrecked pizza before it. It sniffed at the pizza and barked at me before turning away. I thought I could hear its implied threat to file a complaint against me with the PETA for my serving a horrible food.
I had a hearty laugh with my family. Finally, my husband and daughter begged me to stay away from Social Media. I smiled at my victory.

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to visit my website. Hope you enjoyed reading my blogs. 😊😊

FUNNY FAMILY 3 : MISADVENTURES OF TANEJA FAMILY

FUNNY SHORT STORY BY Me FROM STORYMIRROR.COM

Photo by Vanessa Loring on Pexels.com

Hi friends,

I will continue the story ‘ Catch me if you can’ next week. I am not feeling well today. So I am sharing another story of mine from Storymirror.com. I hope you like it.

Ooh la la,” crooned Sheetal Taneja’s mother-in-law. Her grandchildren came rushing into her room. Aditi asked her,” Are you hurt, grandma? Shall I apply ointment on your legs to ease your pain?”

Her grandmother let out a huge sigh. She said,” Thank you for your concern. But I am not howling in pain. I was trying to hone my singing skills through the Starmaker App.” Aditi and Yash tried their best to suppress their giggles. Usha could not resist her urge to laugh at the children’s facial expressions. They all ended up laughing heartily. Sheetal came running up to inquire what was wrong with her family. “Has someone sprayed laughing gas in this room? Why are you all still laughing?” she demanded. Yash told her about his grandmother’s poor attempt at singing and how the brother-sister duo mistook it for crying out in pain. 

Sheetal could not hide her smile. She had gifted a new smartphone to her mother-in-law on her sixty-fifth birthday. Aditi opened a Facebook account for Usha. She also taught her grandmother how to send an e-mail and use Whatsapp. The tech-savvy grandmother spent most of her time listening to bhajans or going through Facebook or Whatsapp. 

Arun and Sheetal worked from home because of the lockdown in force. Likewise, Aditi and Yash attended online classes. They managed to laugh together by playing pranks on each other. 

Usha was pretty naive as far as using the internet was concerned. Her WhatsApp group consisted of senior citizens who loved bragging about their families or severely criticizing their daughters or sons-in-law. 

It was a hot and humid Sunday. The children and Arun had slept late. Usha woke up early and went to answer nature’s call. Meanwhile, her mobile rang incessantly. She had lost her temper. 

She picked up the call and hurled a string of swear words. It was an automated telemarketing call. Her abuses fell on deaf ears. Sheetal had heard every single word uttered by her mother-in-law. She tried to suppress her giggles and knocked on her bedroom door with a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Come in, dear,” said Usha,” I need your advice on handling this stupid mobile. 

It does not even allow me to empty my bladder. I almost came rushing out to answer the call, only to find a machine rambling out an advertisement.” 

Sheela explained,” That is how the telecom companies earn money through advertisement. It is nothing unusual. Don’t worry, Mom. You will get used to all the shenanigans of the smartphone.” 

Usha took the coffee cup from her and started slurping noisily. Sheetal left the room to handle the online classes. 

After sometime, Usha received a notification for new WhatsApp messages. She rolled her eyes when she saw the pictures of mouth-watering dishes posted by her friends and neighbors. She felt jealous of them.Usha summoned her daughter-in-law to her room after dinner. 

She showed the Whatsapp messages to Sheetal. She exclaimed,” Why can’t you make these delicacies at home? My friends are enjoying a variety of dishes prepared by their daughters-in-law. They post these pictures to make me feel jealous.” Sheetal grinned and replied, ” I knew something was bothering you, judging by the expression on your face. Do you honestly think that their daughters-in-law prepared those delicacies? They had ordered them online through Swiggy. Please take a look at this video sent by Malati, Gomati Aunty’s daughter-in-law.” Usha burst out laughing after seeing her friend, Gomati, clutching her stomach after coming out of the toilet. Usha could hear her grumbling,” I wish I hadn’t eaten so much. Malati! You are a murderer! You deliberately tried to kill me with the delicious poison.” 

Sheetal said,” Malati forwarded this epic video to make you realize that all that looks yummy on WhatsApp may not be good for the tummy. ” Usha added with a chuckle,” Point noted. Anyway, I feel like a fool for having entertained negative thoughts.”

Six months later, Usha received an email. 

The sender congratulated her for winning a trip to Goa for the entire family. The email also asked her to send the contact details. Usha’s joy knew no bounds. She completed the necessary formalities.

She called Sheetal and said,” Start packing our bags. I have won a free trip to Goa for all of us. I received an email that declared me as a winner of a lucky draw.” Sheetal was speechless. Usha beamed at her with her chest swelling in pride. Sheetal tried to reason with her mother-in-law that she should not respond to such an unwanted e-mail. Usha snorted,” You are just jealous of my good luck. I am not going to listen to your unsolicited advice. I don’t want any arguments from you. Do as I say. ” 

Later that evening, Usha received a courier containing the plane tickets with a hotel accommodation brochure. She waved the tickets on Sheetal’s face and remarked,” You were wrong this time. We are going next week to Goa. I have to broadcast this news.” Sheetal looked at her husband, Arun, for moral support. She felt mortified after her mother-in-law refused to listen to her. He consoled her,” My mother can be stubborn at times. Don’t let her wisecracks bother you. You are trying to protect her from a probable scam. I will always support you because you are right, and she is naive.” Sheetal had a cursory glance at the plane tickets. She immediately contacted the airways in question whose tickets she had received. She came to know that those tickets were fake. But, she didn’t want to disappoint her mother-in-law. So, she booked the flight tickets for the family on the said date. She also arranged for their hotel accommodation. 

She called Arun and briefed her plan to him. He appreciated her thoughtfulness. 

Sheetal said,” Now don’t say a word to her. Let her panic for some time after reaching the airport. Besides, I want to make security arrangements for our house. Mom will not allow me to do any alteration as long as she stays with us. I will convince her to stay with her brother for a couple of days.” She knew it was futile to argue with her mother-in-law. 

She put her plan into action. She successfully sent Usha away. She removed all the valuables from her house and kept them in a safe deposit vault of her bank. She asked Arun to hide their LED TV in their storeroom. 

After taking all the necessary precautions, Sheetal and her husband started packing their luggage for the trip. The children were quite excited. Usha came back after spending a couple of days with her brother. 

Finally, the day of their departure arrived. Sheetal let her mother-in-law take charge of the plane tickets. When they arrived at the airport, Usha had a nasty surprise. She learned from an official that the tickets with her were invalid. Hence, they could not go through the boarding procedure. 

She started weeping and cursing herself. 

Sheetal consoled her and showed her the flight tickets that she had booked for them. Usha hugged her tightly and kissed her on the forehead. The entire family boarded the plane and reached their intended destination. 

Meanwhile, the crook, who had tricked them into leaving their house vacant for his intended burglary, picked the lock at midnight. He asked his accomplice to follow him with the gunny bag. When he shone the torchlight, his jaw dropped open in surprise. The house sported a deserted look. The furnishings were sparse. When he opened the closet in the bedroom, he saw only a few clothes but no jewelry or cash. There was nothing worth stealing. They cursed their bad luck and retreated silently, leaving behind a note and cash worth two thousand rupees.

The Taneja family was enjoying the holidays. They came back after a fortnight only to discover an attempted robbery. Usha nearly fainted from the shock. Arun caught her in his arms. Sheetal entered the house and scanned it thoroughly. She found a note with some cash under a flower vase on the coffee table. It said:

” Dear Sir/ Madam,

I owe you an apology for causing great inconvenience to you and your family. I entered your house with the intention of robbery. Unfortunately, I had no luck with my misadventure. Your pathetic condition moved me so much that I have left behind Rs.2000/- for your use. I hope you forgive me. 

Regards,

An idiotic thief.” 

Everyone burst out laughing after Sheetal read out this letter. She told Usha about the action she had taken to protect her house. Usha appreciated her quick thinking and promised her that she would avoid giving in to any kind of temptation on the internet.  

What a funny misadventure they had! 

Thank you so much for taking your precious time to visit my website. Hope you enjoyed reading my blogs. 😊😊

LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (23)

THE MISADVENTURES OF THE COMEDIENNE SISTERS : A COMEDY SHORT STORY BY ME.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Chapter 9

The Ghost Hunters.

Mom just stepped inside the bathroom when her mobile rang. As usual, the task of answering her phone was entrusted to me. I put aside my long exercise notebook and pressed the green button.

” Hello,” said a cheerful female voice, ” Is this Mrs. Alka Patel? ” I was in a foul mood and decided to vent out my anger on her. I replied, “No, this is Sridevi from heaven.” The girl laughed, ” Are you joking, ma’am? ” I answered, ” Why should I be joking? I am a lady, so I am joqueen.” There was a momentary silence and the girl resumed her telemarketing speech, ” Ma’am, I am calling from Money Bank. We are offering all kinds of loans.” I sighed, ” I do need a different kind of loan. I am looking for a fresh, unused brain in a pristine condition because the one I am using is completely burned out. My wonderful family has this unique habit of chewing my brain. Can you help me? ” The caller abruptly ended the call as I chuckled and Rhea gave her thumbs up. I hated telemarketing call. I was sure if I continued to answer like this, their company would put us into Do not ever call this woman zone.

Finally, I finished my homework and kept my books in my school bag as per the timetable. ” Ding! Dong!” Damn it! What’s it today? Is this International Nuisance Day? Rhea sensed my fury and said, ” Relax, sis! I will open the door.” She opened the door to find a handsome young man with a briefcase. She decided to impress him and said, ” To what do I owe the pleasure of your company? ” He looked confused and replied, ” What? “

I am sure this guy must have flunked ten times in his Kindergarten. I smiled and replied, ” Forgive my sister. She loves English literature and always speaks like Shakespeare. As far as her question is concerned, she simply asked you why the hell are you here? ” The guy was visibly upset and said, ” I think you are being rude. Couldn’t you have used better words?” ” That’s what, my sister did, ” I smirked, ” It’s unfortunate that people never recognize the politeness but quick to point out the harsh truth spoken in front of them. Now, if I said, it’s my greatest pleasure to have my house blessed with your presence, would you please tell me how can I be of service to you, would you be impressed? “

The poor young man looked more confused than ever. I explained, ” I simply asked you what do you want from me? Now you will say that I insulted you but the truth is your brain only accepts direct message, it may be rude or polite. Anyway, would you please be kind enough to state the purpose of your visit so that we can visit the temple of education for our enlightenment? ” Rhea burst into laughter and even the young man joined her. My mom had just stepped into the living room and saw him.

We let the poor guy in and finished our basic introductions. ” The guy ( Naveen Kumar) said, ” Your neighbor, Mrs. Chatterjee, asked me to contact Ms. Lekha Patel, the girl with a big mouth to help me.” I rolled my eyes and replied, ” Really? I can’t believe she said that. Me, a big mouth, huh? Says a lady with such a fat bottom that she can crush anyone to death if she accidentally sat upon them.” Now, everyone laughed. Naveen said, ” I am the estate manager of the Shandilya Mansion in Bandra. Mr. Rajkumaar Shandilya, the owner of the mansion is unable to sell it because of the ghost of his grandfather, Mahendra is haunting the place. He tried every possible means to get rid of the spirit, but failed miserably. He decided to launch a TV show , The Indian Ghost Hunter. He offered a double reward, one for winning the show and the second for getting rid of the ghost. Many people participated but fled the mansion in the midnight itself. Mrs. Chatterjee’s son was one of the participants who failed. So, she recommended you to take part in our show.” ” If I make it alive, I am going to strangle Chatterbox, ” I grumbled. Mom flatly refused to let me participate saying I was too young. But Naveen convinced her that the prize money was β‚Ή20,00,00 ( 10,00,000 for the show and the rest for driving out the ghost). He also said that Mom could accompany me. I hoped she would refuse, not because I was scared of ghost but I had to study for the upcoming class tests the following week.

“When is the shooting for the show? ” she asked as Naveen said, ” Between Friday night and Saturday Morning this week.” Mom looked enthusiastic and agreed to my participation, provided, she was my assistant. Rhea was scared and granny gave my mom a high-five and said, ” Only my granddaughter can scare the hell out of a ghost. Go for it, champ.”

Later, Dad also gave his approval and said he would be taking leave from his office to watch the show. For the first time I wished my mother hadn’t voluntarily offered me as a scapegoat.

Finally, the dreadful day arrived. We left our home and watched Chatterbox waving those fat arms of her happily. She was expecting my death but I promised to give her a much needed heart attack. We carried the basic provisions and a suitcase containing our clothes. It was 7 PM and we were given welcome drinks upon reaching the mansion. It seems we were the only contestants. We had a grand feast and I thought of watching TV. There was nothing scary about the place. We were shown our bedroom with instruction manual to be followed during the show.
Rule no.1 said the contestant will be disqualified if he or she screamed.
Rule no.2 required us to put on a brave face, no matter, how scary a ghost might be. We would be given marks on our courage and confidence.
Rule no. 3 : We could do whatever we like without worrying about a script. We had to work on our own script.
Rule no. 4: No profanity or vulgar language allowed.
And the list continued. I glanced through it and dropped it on the table. Mom and I planned to watch Netflix on TV when there was a power fluctuation. It was like a typical badly scripted C-grade Bollywood Horror Movie. I knew what to expect next. I signaled my mom to calm down or we would be thrown out. I told her it was a part of the TV series shooting. She checked her makeup and looked visibly calm. Then, there was a complete blackout. I switched on the torchlight of my smartphone and lit a candle.

I felt like I was a part of a super flop horror movie. The usual storm situation followed and the candle got extinguished. Mom tried to put on a brave face. We started chatting with each other, plotting revenge on Chatterbox without using profanity. Suddenly, a transparent man ( a ghost)came floating towards us. I looked at him and burst out laughing. Mom took my cue and gave me company. ” You should be terrified of me, ” snarled the ghost of an old man, ” Why are you laughing at me?” I said , ” You look as if Einstein got electrocuted while crossing a puddle.”

” You mannerless girl, don’t you know how to talk to your elders, ” glared the ghost.

” Pardon me, grandpa ghost, but I have some doubts. How did the blazer that you are wearing become transparent? I usually thought ghosts wore white bedsheets with slits for their eyes and they made sounds like cackling of a witch. How do you speak English? “

The ghost was getting angrier. Its eyes were glowing red in anger. He said, ” I am the grandfather of the owner of this mansion. I order you to leave right now or you will regret ever setting foot in this house.” I laughed even harder. I said, ” I am not scared, grandpa. Because you can’t strangle with your transparent hands nor can you hold any object? By the way, how did you die? “

The ghost sighed and began, ” Once upon a time…. “
And I interrupted, ” Why do all the stories start with once upon a time? Why can’t it be twice or thrice below whatever?”
Mom kept giggling while the ghost gave her an evil eye. The ghost of Mahendra continued, ” Just shut up and listen to me.”
I : Why don’t I open down and talk to you?
The ghost: You silly girl. You are getting on to my nerves.
I: I always wanted to see a nerve but I can’t see yours. Its transparent. I wonder how you ghosts manage your bowel and kidney moments. There must be an advantage of being a ghost. You can survive on air and don’t need solid food or drink water. So, there’s no question of pooping or peeing, right?
The ghost wanted to tear his hair apart but gritted his teeth and said, ” Listen to me, laddie. I had enough of your cheeky replies. Once I went to market to buy a birthday gift for my wife.”
I smirked, ” Don’t you mean, you went to the market to buy vegetables on your wife’s orders? ” The ghost spluttered, ” How did you know? ” I laughed and said, ” I could see the fear in your eye when you mentioned her. Please continue. Lady Dracula sent you on an errand.” The ghost said, ” On my way, I saw a beautiful girl smiling at me. I smiled back and didn’t notice my devil wife following me with a rolling pin. A whack on my head and lo, I was dead.” ” I am so sorry, grandpa, ” I said.

The ghost was surprised at my reaction and said, ” You must be a very brave girl. Most of the participants in this show peed their pants but you are so cool and courageous. What’s the secret? ” I replied, ” Every day I am dealing with a monster called the Mathematics teacher. We call her lady dragon and she can be a tough task master. You are an angel compared to her. But now I wish to thank you for entertaining us with your story. My mother, here, is an excellent singer. She’s going to dedicate a song to you. ” Then the real horror show started. My mom started singing an old Hindi film melody.

Now, the ghost was so scared by her horrible singing that he covered both his ears. He pleaded with me, ” Please ask her to stop singing. She sounds like a donkey braying. I am getting a headache and I can’t even have an aspirin. I promise to do whatever you ask me to.” I asked the ghost to give up haunting the mansion and move on to the other world. He immediately vanished into thin air and I could actually see a white light for a brief moment. The lights came back.

” Hurray! We won, ” I hugged my mom and danced. We had a special cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows. The next morning, Naveen came to congratulate us for winning the show and Mr. Rajkumaar Shandilya personally came to the mansion to give us a cheque for 20,00,000β‚Ή. He dropped us home after a special lunch at a star hotel. Chatterbox was shocked to see us stepping down from BMW with garlands on our necks.

I went to her and fell at her feet to seek her blessings, ” Thank you so much for giving us this opportunity. I am not sure whether you would have played this mean trick on your own daughter for money.” She apologized to me for trying to put my life in danger. Mom never forgave her. That evening, the whole family celebrated our victory at a hotel as my dad said, ” Only my Lekha could drive even a ghost mad. I am proud of you, sweetie.” I replied with a smile and a tear, ” I have the best dad in the world. Happy Father’s Day in advance, dad.”

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