LAUGHTER TUESDAYS (18)

THE MISADVENTURES OF THE COMEDIENNE SISTERS : A COMEDY SHORT STORY bY ME.

Hi friends,

I am starting the story with a disclaimer :

The story is purely fictional and the characters in the story bear no resemblance to any individual. The content mentioned in the story is purely meant for comedy and not to hurt anyone’s sentiments. This is for pure fun and the views of the girl are hers only.

Chapter 7

Murder of a marriage.

I dreaded going back to school after two years of staying at home due to the lockdown. I felt like a soldier about to be martyred at the hands of an enemy. Mom was so happy at the thought of getting rid of us that she started humming a tune.

It was an old melody sung by the late Lata Mangeshkar. Mom was deliberately teasing me. She said, “Lekha darling, Are you ready to go to school tomorrow? “I grinned and replied, ” It doesn’t take me more than half an hour to get ready for school. Do you expect me to sweep the school premises?” Mom ignored my taunt and continued to sing. I arranged my schoolbooks according to the timetable in my bag. Rhea was speaking to her friend on her mobile.

Mom came to our room after an hour, grinning like a heroine. She said, ” Congratulate me, kids! I have started a new business with Mrs. Chatterjee. We are running a matrimonial service for all the eligible bachelors.” I replied with a smirk, ” Great. How many lives have you ruined so far? “

She glared at me while Rhea giggled at my choice of words. Mom said, ” We have matched ten couples, out of which five are already engaged. My business has started booming since I launched it last month. I wanted to celebrate my success with you.” I hugged her and said sorry.

Both of us congratulated her as she walked away as a happy woman. I closed the door and said, ” Matrimonial services! What made her think of this stupid business! I feel like she has opened a marriage shop selling brides and grooms.

I can be her advertising manager. Just imagine a marriage shop, offering schemes like :
Buy one get one free. Buy a bride or a groom, and get an extra idiot free.

Money back guarantee: The bride and grooms sold in our shops are highly educated, well versed in the art of cooking, cleaning, winning domestic arguments, and bargaining while shopping. If they are incompatible or decide to separate, we will refund your money, provided we have sufficient funds with us.

90 days exchange : Since you are our valued customers, we are offering a 90 days exchange scheme where the goods ( brides and grooms) can be exchanged. If you feel your current life partner isn’t the one for you, we can provide you with a better model, provided you are approved by him or her.

Terms and conditions:

Prospective brides and grooms are required to see themselves in the mirror before demanding a beautiful or a handsome partner. Just like a buffalo can’t marry a swan, or a monkey can’t marry a lion, if you are ugly, you don’t have a choice in selecting a life partner.

Domestic chores must be shared equally between the husband and the wife. This will help in avoiding conflicts or disagreements between them.

Grooms, especially, must know, at least how to boil water and make tea, since guys are spoilt by their parents and girls end up in the kitchen.

Brides are supposed to know the value of hard earned money and avoid unnecessary shopping and relieving their poor husbands of their money. Their husbands should not treat the house as a hotel and ask for a menu card. They should either be prepared to cook their own meals or eat whatever is being served without complaining about the quality of food.

Most important term: Keep your parents-in-law out of your disputes. Stop whining or complaining about each other to the poor old people. It’s bad enough that they had to deal with you. At this age, they can’t handle additional headache.”

Rhea had tears in her eyes from nonstop laughter. She gave me a high-five and said, ” Lekha, you should seriously consider being a comedienne. You have an amazing sense of humor.”

It was evening. Dad came home with a wedding invitation card. He said, ” My best friend, Tilak’s son is getting married next month. He has invited us for the wedding and the reception. His son, Rohit, is an investment banker. What gift shall I give him?” I was listening to their conversation and replied, ” Dad, give him a thousand bucks in an envelope. Also write:
Marriages are subjected to domestic violence, unwanted expenses by wife, arguments with the spouse due to ego clash, bearing children and changing their diapers, going bankrupt after paying the hefty school and college fees, getting abandoned by them in the old age. Marry at your own risk. ” Dad burst out laughing with Mom looking at me like a raging bull. ” We will not take you to the wedding reception, if you don’t change your attitude, Lekha,” she threatened me.

I said, ” I am not interested in attending a death ceremony.” Mom and Dad looked puzzled. Dad asked, ” What do you mean by that? ” I answered, ” Marriage is equal to death, Dad. Though not physical, it means death of your freedom. You have heard that song :
‘अपनी आजादी को हम हरगिज़ मिटा सकते नहीं |
सिर कटा सकते हैं लेकिन सिर झुका सकते नहीं |’
( We will never ruin our freedom. We can afford to lose our heads but never bow before anyone).” Mom said, ” People who say that they don’t have any intention of getting married, are the first ones to find their lifepartners. I can see your wedding card in future.
Mr. and Mrs. Patel request the pleasure of your company on the joyous occasion of the marriage of their younger daughter
Lekha with ( the groom’s name) at the venue.”

I giggled as I replied :

“Allow me to correct your hallucination. The wedding card will read like this.
Mr. and Mrs. Patel deeply regret the cancellation of the wedding of their daughter Lekha with Jackass ( The Groom) at the marriage hall near the Mental Hospital. She rejected him for losing a PUBG game. Don’t waste your time and money , bringing your ass with your family here. If you are looking for free food, try visiting temples or gatecrash some dope’s wedding as in the movie ” Three idiots “. This will make you the fourth idiot.” And now even mom laughed out with the rest of the family.

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