THE SPUNKY LADY

A VERY FUNNY SHORT STORY BY ME

50-year-old Vishaka Swaminathan had finished preparing lunch. She was sweating profusely and turned off the gas stove. She switched on the fan in the living room and heaved a sigh of relief. She was about to plop her fat bottom on the couch when the doorbell rang.

She cursed the visitor and opened the door only to find a salesman grinning, displaying his white teeth. ” Good morning, ma’am,” he said, ” My company has published an excellent book for your family. It’s called ‘Learn to be patient’. The market price for this book is 450 ₹, but we are offering it for ₹ 200 only.” Vishaka said, ” Actually, our family doesn’t need this book to be patient. I am having hypertension, my husband has diabetes, my mother-in-law has piles, my father-in-law is suffering from gas problems and constipation, my son has asthma and my daughter is having food allergy. So, you see, all of us are patients.”

The salesman gritted his teeth and replied, ” I am sorry, Ma’am. I think you have misunderstood the concept of patient. It’s the other patient.” ” How much commission are you getting from the hospitals to bring in more patients?” asked Vishaka, ” I mean you are encouraging people to become sick by publishing this kind of book.” The salesman desperately wanted to punch her in the face. His irritation was visible on his face. Vishaka chuckled, ” Looks like you need to read this book before canvassing it to others. Aren’t you getting too impatient? Well, go home and buy yourself a dictionary. You could have used words like forbearance, tolerance, restraint, self-restraint, resignation, stoicism
fortitude, sufferance, endurance, calmness,
composure, even temper, even-temperedness
equanimity, equilibrium, serenity, tranquillity,
imperturbability, understanding, indulgence,
perseverance, persistence, tenacity, diligence,
assiduity, staying power, indefatigability
doggedness.” ” Stop, ” screamed the salesman, ” Someone, please save me from this talking dictionary.” He bashed his head against the wall and ran away without looking back.

Vishaka had a hearty laugh and said, ” That’s it for now.” She glanced at the wall clock. It was 10.30 AM. Her parents-in-law were visiting a nearby temple and would be home within an hour. Her husband had gone to his office and her children to their college. She thought of calling her friend when there was a WhatsApp message from an unknown number. When she clicked on it, she was shocked to see a message claiming that her mobile number has won $10,000 (U.S.). She had to send her personal and banking details to claim the fund.

She thought of a prank. She sent him a reply which read:
Name: Mrs. Looney Tunes
Age: Why should I tell you?
Qualification:
Qualified enough to know that you are an imposter.
Status: Old enough to be your mother.
Residential address:
Current:
C/O Lunatic Asylum, Agra.

Old Address:
Cell no. 11, Tihar Jail.

Banking Information:
Name of the bank: The Bank of Bankruptcy
Account number: 12345678910 ( I hope you know counting)
IFSC CODE : GOTOHELL420
PIN: I have 5 safety pins with me right now.

The sender was furious. This is how their string of conversation went:
The Fraud : Are you out of your mind? Is this some kind of a joke?
Vishaka: The joke’s on you, isn’t it? You only started it.
The Fraud: Give me the correct information or I won’t be able to process your money.
Vishaka: Do I look like the queen of idiots?
The Fraud: What do you mean?
Vishaka: Any moron can tell that if you had enough funds in your bank account, you wouldn’t resort to online stealing, begging for banking information. Could you please tell me from which university did you obtain your PH.D degree in utter stupidity?
The Fraud: What nonsense are you talking about?
Vishaka: You should attend refresher courses on novel methods of online fraud. Do you seriously think that the people are as stupid as you make them out to be? Honestly, you and your moronic friends need to get their heads checked. Now, listen to me, you nincompoop! My son works for the cyber crime department of CB-CID. I have forwarded your number for tracing. If he discovers your hideout, you and your friends won’t be able to sit on your butts for quite some time. If you have any sense of shame left, you would either hang yourself or turn yourself to the police. I am sure you aren’t man enough to go for the second option. This is my final warning. If you ever try to con people again, I will inform the Income Tax authorities and they will strip away everything, including your torn underwear.
The fraud: How the hell did you know I was wearing a torn underwear?
Vishaka: Because lazy bums like you wouldn’t want to leave the comfort of your chair and even go to the bathroom to relieve yourself. Tell me when did you have your shower last time? It stinks in this end.

The fraud blocked her number. An hour later, she had lunch with ther parents-in-law. It was tea time when her children returned home. Finally, she found some time to relax when the doorbell rang again. ” Oh, no! ” she groaned, ” I must have opened the door for 200th time.” She was shocked to see the Police Inspector with a constable. She welcomed them and asked the reason for their visit. The Inspector grinned at her, ” I thank you on behalf of the entire police department. I don’t know how you managed it but three people wanted for cyber crime surrendered to us in the afternoon. The gang leader, Shekhar wanted to tell you that he appreciated your audacity to tell him off and that he had the guts to own up to his crimes. He and his friends have reassured us to lead a honest life. Since you were instrumental in their arrests, please accept this cash prize of 10,000₹ and not U.S. Dollars. “

Her family beamed at her in pride as Vishaka accepted the gift with a smile.

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