A FUNNY SHORT STORY BY ME.
My dear Ex,
You remind me of T-Rex.
What did I ever see in your eyes?
They are blue and lovely to look at but full of lies.
But wait! I caught you wearing the contact lens.
So much for your keeping suspense.
I admired your curly and wavy locks of hair.
It turned out to be a wig. Hey! It’s not fair.
A ton of make-up did wonders to your face.
Perhaps! God forgot to give you natural beauty with His Divine Grace.
I am not concerned with your physical appearance.
I just wanted a place in your heart with no external interference,
You broke my heart and tore it apart.
You used perfume to hide your stinking fart.
Now you are no longer a part of my life.
Your fiance is in deep trouble, for you will be his wife.
Akash read the poem that he had written after Ragini unceremoniously dumped him for Tushar Sinha, the only son of Mr. Vishwas Sinha, a famous industrialist in Pune. He had courted her for four years. Before he could propose to her, she broke his heart by extending an invitation for her engagement. Akash was upset with the way she dumped him for a better prospect.
She batted her eyelashes and added coyly, ” Don’t be so upset. We will still be good friends. I have asked Tushar to offer you financial support if you need it. Here is an opportunity for you to earn extra money. You are going to be the photographer for my engagement and wedding. Please accept the advance cash payment.” She handed him a wad of crisp notes as his jaw dropped on seeing her attitude. He wanted to throw acid on her face but controlled his temper.
She left with a smug smile on her face. Akash received a text message on his mobile after half an hour. It was from an unknown number. The sender had texted :
” The bitch had ditched you too. Did she invite you to the disaster called Engagement? “
Akash was confused. He called the number and was shocked to hear his college mate, Mahesh answering him. The latter said, ” Finally, you got dumped, right?” ” How do you know?” probed Akash, ” How did you get my number?” His friend replied, ” Your girlfriend left her mobile unattended on my coffee table. I decided to trace your number and contact you. I have some information for you. Brace yourself for the real shockers.”
” Go on,” said Akash, ” I am listening. ” Mahesh said,” Your former girlfriend cheated on you with all of our gang members. I tried to warn you, but you misunderstood my intention. We were just her boy toys. She used us to fulfill her desires and discarded us. Because of that characterless woman, Vinod committed suicide, and Sandeep lost his sanity. Poor Sandeep! He is in an asylum.
Why don’t we avenge our friends? Let’s rape her and post the video over social media.”
Akash lashed out, ” Have you lost your mind? How can you even suggest such an awful thing? She may be a shameless girl, but we can’t stoop so low to ruin her. I have a better suggestion.” Akash mumbled his plan to humiliate Ragini and her family. Mahesh sent a smiley and thumbs up for their hilarious plan. Akash and Mahesh got in touch with their old college mates, including girls and boys. They decided to split into two teams and capture the embarrassing moments of the couple in their smartphones or video cameras. Mahesh was an IT expert. He went through their social media profile to create funny memes and the comical version of the nursery rhymes. Akash and his friends laughed uproariously after watching their final handiwork. They also thought of recording the weird behavior of the invitees and projecting them on screen.
Finally, the day arrived when Akash and his friends would be having their last laughs.
Ragini looked gorgeous in her pink ghagra choli. She had neatly tied her hair in a bun. Her family members started welcoming the guests. Akash and his friends arrived at 6 PM sharp. Ragini introduced Akash and his friends to her family. They got down to their business after having a welcome drink.
Akash was shocked to see Ragini’s fiance, Tushar Sinha. He was balding at the top and had a potbelly. He was walking towards Ragini with an idiotic grin. Akash snickered, and so did his friends. The couple shared a quick laugh before their friends approached them. Akash sent his friend, Mona, to record Ragini’s chat with her best friend, Lalita.
Lalita frowned and scolded her, “You need to get your vision checked. How can you marry this ugly pig? He looks like your uncle.” Ragini feigned anger and answered,” How dare you insult my fiance? He isn’t an ugly pig. He’s simply an overstuffed buffalo.” The two friends burst out laughing. Mona had skilfully recorded their conversation without attracting any attention. Mahesh ventured near Tushar and started his recording. Tushar’s friend, Ajay, expressed his deep sympathy. ” Be careful with this cunning lady,” he warned, ” She seems to be a gold digger. She might even sell your underwear to buy expensive makeup.” Tushar chuckled,” Don’t you worry, Ajay. I am going to dump her after robbing her father of his wealth. One day I saw her without her cosmetics. She looks like my aunt in reality. My dad has assured me that he would help me acquire her property and kick her out of my life, citing her flirtatious nature.” Meanwhile, Mona also had recorded a similar conversation between Ragini and her friend.
The guests arrived shortly and pounced upon the welcome drinks and Hors d’oeuvres. Akash’s friends scattered all over the banquet hall. Akash saw an elderly making his entry with a walking stick. He started his video recording in time to capture him blowing his nose and wiping his hands on a curtain. Akash turned his attention towards a cute-looking young girl. She started scratching her hair, much to her mother’s annoyance.
Akash faced Mahesh, and they stifled their laughter. Mona took out a toy mouse from her purse and let it scurry around. Shalini, Akash’s college mate, started shooting with her camcorder. A lady in a yellow designer saree jumped at the sight of the mouse and hugged a stranger. Her husband punched him while the stranger’s wife slapped the lady. Mahesh and his friends were enjoying themselves. The chaos stopped after Ragini’s father announced the commencement of the exchange of the rings. Akash interrupted him and said, ” Sir, we have a visual surprise for you and all your guests. Shall we go ahead with our presentation?” Ragini’s father gave his consent. There was a pin drop silence as the audience turned towards the LED TV. The program started with the funny antics of the guests.
Ragini’s childhood photo cropped up. She was in her underwear and wore nothing on her torso. She must be five. Everyone cheered for her. Ragini was red-faced and annoyed with Tushar’s irritating smirk. Mahesh worked on the projector. People saw her photos from her school days until her graduation. Finally, her social media profile cropped up. Someone had edited her Facebook account. Her hobbies now showed using and dumping men after emptying their wallets and bank balance. There were murmurs all around, and Ragini started sweating profusely. Tushar glared at her. Her Instagram profile came into view, followed by a jingle to the tune of Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, Baker’s Man. Shalini rendered her melodious voice as she sang:
Matrimonial website! Find me a man!
Find me a rich fool as fast as you can.
Ugly, fat, or brainless, as the case may be.
It’s just his wealth that matters to me.
Her video with Lalita angered Tushar and his family. The groom’s father exploded, ” What’s the meaning of these insults? Your daughter is not worthy of anyone. This engagement is off.” Tushar appeared to be relieved. Ragini’s father pleaded with him and his father.
” Wait a minute, Mr. Sinha,” said Akash, ” Your son is also not an angel. ” Videos and photos of Tushar kept scrolling as the audience felt disgusted with his lack of decorum.
He was lewd and lascivious. Although he had a roving eye and plenty of wealth, the girls couldn’t tolerate him. In one of the videos, he tried to impress a girl in a gym by doing pushups and squats. Everyone burst out laughing after watching his track pants getting torn in the bottom. His blue underwear was visible.
Tushar and Ajay’s conversation left Ragini and her family fuming. Akash sang :
( Mary had a little lamb).
Tushar had a fat bank balance,
For everyone to show.
Everywhere that the idiot went,
Ragini was sure to go.
Both the families came to blows and called off the engagement. Akash ended the program with a speech that moved all.
He said,” This wasn’t an engagement between two humans. It was purely an alliance between money and more money. You should also consider a person and his family’s true character before finalizing any marriage proposal. Money, wealth, and power aren’t the exact criteria for getting married. True love is very precious. Marriage is a sacred institution based on love, trust, and mutual understanding. What’s the use of being wealthy when the husband and wife are cheating on each other?”
There was a standing ovation for Akash as he winded up his speech. Ragini tried to approach him, but Akash turned down her proposal. Both the families watched Akash and his friends leaving the hall. Akash and his friends celebrated their victory at a nearby restaurant.
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