A comical Story by me.
“Yikes! Get lost, you creep,” I yelled, hitting out at my mysterious stalker. I dealt several blows to knock him unconscious. I had hardly basked in the glory of my well-earned victory when someone kicked me on my butt. I fell off my bed, rubbing my backside. I saw my sister, Rhea, glaring at me. I had punched her instead of the scheming villain.
I apologized to her and even offered to buy her a pizza. She smiled at the thought of a yummy pizza and went back to sleep. Both of us slept until 9 AM. Our mother entered our room and poured a mug of cold water on our heads.
” Get up, you lazybones,” she screamed like a banshee,” Move your fat butts off the bed and start getting ready for your online classes.”
We finished our morning routine and picked up our respective smartphones to join the classes.
I am so sorry I forgot to tell you that I am in ninth grade, and my sister is in tenth grade.
Our school, Holy Faith High School ( read Unholy Unfaithful Low School), has managed to extort a hefty sum from our parents for tolerating two lady devils.
I logged into Google Classroom and joined the first session. My history teacher, Mrs. Brinda, had most of the students asleep by delving into a chapter on Russian Revolution. I had to beg my mom for a cup of coffee to listen to the lecture. My mind was revolting against my heart as I tried in vain to focus on my class in progress. A doorbell rang to disturb my already lost concentration. My mom welcomed Mrs.Chatterbox to gossip about their respective families. I went to our study, where Rhea had almost dozed off while her mathematics class was still going on. I tapped her gently, but she woke up screaming at 100 decibels. Mom was quick enough to investigate and launch a verbal attack on us. She said,” Both of you are dumb girls. You know, Mrs. Chatterjee was telling me about how she solved the conflict with her mother-in-law. Why did you interrupt my conversation with her?”
I chuckled,” You want to get rid of old grandma, your mother-in-law. I have several brilliant ideas.
- Watch TV soap operas and learn how women plot evil schemes against their own families.
- Grandma hates farting and anyone with a flatulence problem. Let us all gorge on yummy samosas and enter her room. All of us can let out stinking farts.
- She hates cockroaches and lizards. We will scare her with plastic lizards and cockroaches.
- Tell her that she has won a free one-way trip to Haridwar. She won’t be coming back.
You could have asked either of us. Now I can predict Mrs. Chatterbox’s line of conversation. She will boast about her daughter, Indu’s, awful Facebook post. She will brag about the number of likes and followers she got. Have you ever seen her face? She looks like a monkey suffering from constipation.”
“Stop it, Lekha,” cried my mom and sister in unison. They were roaring with laughter holding their stomachs. I forgot about the class in progress. My teacher had been hollering my name for five minutes before removing me from the history class. I knew how to get back in her good books. I sent a message conveying my apologies and praising her good qualities. She replied immediately by sending a smiley emoji. My mom shook her head and left us on our own. We finished our classes and had lunch at 2 PM.
My mom had found her place in front of the idiot box, trying to surf different channels and pick one headache to view. She chose a dumb serial about the controversies in a family. We covered our mouths to stop laughing. She had tears in her eyes. ” Poor Vidya!” she muttered, ” Who will come to her aid now?” The serial had hardly started than a commercial graced the TV screen. I was watching an ad for a soap where the model looked so young that no one could guess about her being a mother of a five-year-old kid. I asked Rhea, ” If she uses that soap to bathe her kid, will it become a fetus and go back to her womb?” Rhea burst out laughing. She replied, “No, you silly girl! You have an overactive imagination.” My mom turned her head towards us to give us a deathly glare.
Had she been a witch, she would have turned us into frogs. ” Get lost before I break your thick skulls,” my mom yelled.
We went to have our sibling conversation in our garden. I said, ” Rhea, I have an idea to have great fun. Why don’t we recreate the crap shown on TV in our humorous style?”
Rhea looked puzzled. I explained, ” Just imagine our school launching a commercial on TV. The campaign would be like this:
Welcome to Holy Faith High School. We have produced outstanding liars, cheats, and frauds. They are now some of the topmost lawyers, CAs, and accountants of the country. Don’t worry about your children. They are our headaches because we are charging generously to bear with their torture. We consider your money as our money and don’t spend unnecessarily on renovation. We believe in avoiding food wastage. We reheat the leftovers and serve them in our canteen. We will give you a run for your money by chasing you until you shell out your Ward’s school fees.” Rhea guffawed at my crazy antics. She said,” That was awesome. You are a born comedienne. You should try auditioning for standup comedy. Hey! It’s my turn now. I am Rhea Patel from Oshiwara Colony. Let’s take a look at today’s weather forecast. There are dark clouds of dullness hovering around the city. We can expect heavy showers of human stupidity along with freak mishaps like arguments and family bickering, job loss, and concern over general health.TV soap operas are causing mind pollution for poor women and late-night porn shows for spoiling men. We kindly request our viewers to switch off the idiot box and get out of the comfort of their couches.”
I gave a wolf whistle and clapped loudly for her.
( To be continued).